I feel like I need to release my thoughts, even though I don't know exactly where to begin.  I just know that writing usually feels so therapeutic for me.  I could actually write in a diary/journal like I do sometimes, but I also have some vanity and like to know that others read my thoughts and somehow share in the same stresses that I am going through.  So here it goes.

First things first... I saw Wicked a few weeks back and it was amazing.  And there was this great song called "Dancing Through Life" and although it's a bit of a joke, it kind of reminded me how I need to stop taking my life so seriously.  I feel like I trudge through my life everyday.  Everyday I am just surviving, just trying to make ends meet.  What kind of life is that?  Obviously there will be days where I will need to be trudging, but I just feel like even when I'm struggling, why not add a skip to my step, or a shuffle ball change, or even a twirl? You know what I'm saying?  This life here is all temporal anyway, why do I spend so much time stressing and worrying about little things that are out of my control?  It only wastes time.  I need to spend more time focusing on living this God-given life.

A few things have really been causing me to stress out.  And I realized for awhile now that I shouldn't allow these things to bring me down.  But easier said than done.  However a conversation with a friend about this really made it clear how important it is to just move on and not allow things that are beyond your control to take control of your life.  So that is my new plan... moving forward.

I've been dwelling on some things recently which I want to move forward from so desperately and I'm hoping writing about them will provide some sort of release.

Awhile ago I started talking to a really cool guy, we became pretty good friends I thought.  We hang twice and then all of a sudden I noticed a distance on his behalf.  It could have been a number of things, like him being busy for example.  But for some reason I just thought if he was interested in a friendship with me, or interested in me like he was previously, he would show it like he did before; so something has changed.  And the change has really been bugging me because instead of just letting it go, I tend to over think things and wonder if it's something I did, or I don't know.  Anyway, I really just need to move forward from thinking about it.

Also work has been bringing me down because I just feel like I live to work and that's it. As I have two jobs and the second job that was supposed to be fun is now becoming more work than fun and is causing me stress.  So instead of just letting things go, I dwell on all the mistakes I make. Maybe I need to stop being such a perfectionist and embrace the mistakes and move forward; grow from them.  Again so much easier said than done. 

And now that I have written all these things down, I am hoping that it will become a little easier to dance through life.

:D

1st off all I wanted to do was have a safe space to write and so I came back here, but everything has changed, I know it changed ages ago.  But when I went into my home page to try and adjust some things it was a hassle and it took way longer than it had too.  So that was just frustrating.  OK enough about that though.

Here is the thing, well actually I don't even know where to begin.  I feel if I begin at the beginning it will take way too long and I've already procrastinated enough at work.  I guess I will try to summarize everything so that I can get to the main reason as to why I really needed a safe place to write.  I would have gone to my actual journal, but my hand cramps really fast when I write with a pen. I can type faster.  So yeah.

So within the last two months a really close friend of mine distanced herself from me and it's been a really hurtful and confusing time. It's also been a learning experience too because I was able to take a step back and really look at myself and see if there are things about me that need to be improved or changed. I think there are definitely some things, and I know I have been working on those, and I know I am better because of this.  However, I think what has been the most frustrating thing about all of this is that there was really no reason, in my opinion, for the cut-off or disconnect between us. We took a great trip together up to the Northwest, and after that things became a little weird. We saw each other at our mutual friend's wedding and then we talked on the phone once after that and than nothing. No returned phone calls, and if she responded to my e-mails or texts it was very cold. So I'm not exactly sure what to think. If this whole "I'm too busy to talk to you" is not about me, then why not say it's not about me and you just need some space?

Anyway, that's not why I even wanted to blog, I've spent too much time thinking about this.  Last night at church our Young Adults pastor asked us to talk to our peers at our table about what we're thankful for or feel like God's blessed us with. Well, I guess that was the general idea of what he asked us to talk about. All I could really think about what this deal going on with my friend. So I ended up just saying I've been dealing with a friend distancing herself from me and it's been really hurtful, but I know God has a plan, but it's been difficult for me to really be patient to see what that is, even though I know something good will come from it.  This one guy at the table said something along the lines of, I know that God has a way of working things out and it's all in his timing.  or something like that.  which I already know, but I appreciated him saying, but it was irritating because even though I shared all of that, I still didn't even really say what I was really thinking because I was scared to admit it to myself.  I guess I felt like if I admit how I really feel to myself than... than I feel like I will be giving up or something.

I feel like God has really given me a peace about not being friends with her.  Even though I loved being her friend. And I had so much fun.  And sometimes I get kind of jealous when I see her talking to our mutual friends and not me, but at the same time, I'm not sad that we're not friends.  it feels strange to me.  but I feel at peace about it.  but  I've been almost afraid to admit it.  Like I am a bad person or something.  Like if i don't miss what we've had than I'm giving up on her, and what if she really does need me?  or something like that?  you know? I mean I do miss her and I feel hurt that she doesn't miss me, but I also have a peace about it. And I know it's a peace only God can give.

And all of this has left me a little confused.  Because I have not been able to admit this to myself and I still feel like I want to find out how she feels, but maybe some things are better left unsaid?  I don't know.  But what also happened around this same time, the same time that I started to feel at peace about this, is that I met a new friend that I talk to like almost every day who is super fun; and I almost felt like if this whole situation had not occurred with her, I would not have met him. So maybe this was all in God's plan afterall?  It's one of those things that I obviously can not see the bigger picture, so I really just need to chill out and know that He is in control.

I think there are so many more things that I can say, especially because I feel like I'm ending half-way through a thought.  But I think I have a lot of things I still need to work through, but most importantly, I need to bring them before God and ask that He help me through them.

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3:15PM Edit:
So a little while ago I was talking to my Dad on the phone, just catching up and I was also kind of explaining to him about how I felt about the whole friend situation.  That I had peace, but I was still confused about feeling that way.  And he was like, "Oh Nicole you've always been like that.  That reminds me of a time when you were about 4 years old and you set a lemonade stand up in front of our house and you invited the neighbor girls over to help you sell your lemonade.  You didn't have to, but you wanted to.  Then the next day you saw the neighbor girls selling lemonade in front of their house but they didn't invite you to sell their lemonade with them. And you came up to me and said 'Daddy, I'm really confused. I invited them to sell lemonade with me, why aren't they inviting me to sell lemonade with them?' And you were hurt and sad, and I had a little tear in my eye too."  But this story put things in perspective for me.  This entire thing that is happening with my friend, may just be another lemonade stand situation in my life.   If that's the case, I know everything will work out just fine.  My very first lemonade stand might have been painful, but it all worked itself out :D